


We are getting old, but I still love you (even when I don't)

by kusuriuri



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, Marijuana Cookies, Old Married Couple, Realistic Marriage, couples therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-02 08:34:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6559525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kusuriuri/pseuds/kusuriuri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I don't want a fucking turbo penis. I like your medium-soft one."</p><p>Erwin and Levi are married and 40. They schedule sex, should really work-out more, and need each other to shut the fuck up. All the time. So Levi buys a book to help improve their marriage. </p><p>He just wishes Erwin would stop eating fucking cupcakes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We are getting old, but I still love you (even when I don't)

**Author's Note:**

> Anon request: _Modern Eruri based on This is 40!! dumb old men who are 40+ with lots of comedy and your specialty of realistic old couple love (not lovey-dovey, but instead lots of cute bickering)_
> 
> I love this request. Hope you like it, anon!
> 
> Erwin and Levi are a bit older than their canon ages. Levi is 38 here, so Erwin would be about 43.

It is their anniversary today, and Erwin is pressing Levi up against the wall of the shower, bouncing him roughly as he thrusts into him.

 _Oh, oh, ohh,_ Levi's mouth opens wide as he moans.

"You feel so good," Erwin groans.

"Yes... _yes_... fuck, _there_!" The smaller man gasps hoarsely, scratching down his husband's wet back, legs wrapped around his waist. "You're so _big_."

"Oh, that's 'cause," Erwin presses into his sweet spot, and Levi squeals, toes curling, "I took a Viagra!"

_...?!_

Levi stiffens, mouth open as he freezes mid-moan. "...Wait, _what_?"

Erwin doesn't hear him, still bouncing him roughly. "This feels amazing, why aren't I using this everyday?"

"What did you just say?! _Wait_." Levi presses against his husband's chest, forcing Erwin to lower him back to the floor. _"Stop, stop, stop!"_

The blond slows, pulling out and lowering his husband gently so he can stand on the floor. "What?"

Levi pushes past him. "Fuck." He steps out of the shower and dries off with a towel, marching naked back into their bedroom.

Erwin frowns, slicking his hair back from his face as he follows. "What's the matter?"

The smaller man turns to him, completely naked and hair a damp mess as he crosses his arms over his chest. "You just took a Viagra to have sex with me."

Erwin blinks at him. "I thought it would make it better. It _was_ better, it takes some of the pressure off."

Levi's eyes go wide. "Because you can't get hard without a fucking Viagra?! Is it because you don't think I'm sexy anymore?!"

"No, I think you're very sexy! I just thought you'd think it was fun for me to super-size it for once!"

"That is the _worst_ fucking present you could give someone."

"...I was just trying to go turbo for our anniversary."

Levi stares at him very seriously. "I don't want a fucking turbo penis. I like your medium-soft one."

The blond purses his lips. "Look, I _can_ get it up. Just not that _far_ up." Levi rolls his eyes, so he adds, "Come on, you were liking it!"

Levi scoffs and gets back in bed, pulling the covers up to his chin and just glaring at him, looking like a small, angry animal peeking out.

"Levi, come on..." Erwin stands by the bed. "Lately it hasn't been getting as hard as it used to, alright? I'm getting old, or I'm losing testosterone..."

"No, it's what I told you!" Levi points at him as he speaks. "Your artery to your heart is clogged because of all that fucking junk food you eat, and you have high cholesterol, and that is directly related to your penis vein!" He points at his husband's crotch.

"My penis vein?" Erwin frowns at him ridiculously. "What's that got to do with my penis vein?"

"There was a whole show about it! By that fucking Hange Doctor person!"

"You need to stop watching daytime TV." Erwin points at him sternly. "Cholesterol is not clogging my penis vein." Levi rolls his eyes, looking tiny in their spacious quilt. "Look at this, Levi." Erwin drops his towel, looking down at his erection, then back at his husband. "You want this to go to waste? It's like a plant trying to reach the sun."

Levi's eyes drop to look at his husband's monstrous dick.

_Well, shit._

He huffs. "Fine. I'll do it for ten minutes." He stares at it. "But you have to figure out what to do with the other four hours."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On a regular weekday Erwin comes downstairs in the morning, wearing his work suit. Levi has made breakfast for them both, and they sit down together at the table.

The blond reaches for the salt and Levi quickly snatches it away, ignoring his husband glare at him.

Erwin has high cholesterol, but Levi is the only one of them who seems to care.

When Erwin finishes, he takes his plate to the sink, and Levi sees him take a cupcake from the plate on the bench.

"Hey," Levi warns. "Don't eat that fucking cupcake."

"What cupcake." Erwin looks at him innocently.

"The one you just put into the sink," Levi monotones. "I saw you hiding it."

Erwin holds it up and scoffs. "You think I'm gonna eat this cupcake?" Levi nods. "I don't even want it. Look." He turns on the tap, holding the cupcake under the stream of water.

"You're still gonna fucking eat it," Levi tells him.

"I'm not going to eat it, Lee."

"Just put it in the bin, then."

They glare at each other from across the kitchen.

Levi stands up and walks over. "What time will you be home tonight?"

"Six," Erwin replies, pressing a kiss to his husband's cheek.

Levi begins, "I can make something you like toni-"

But Erwin is already walking away, calling over his shoulder, _whatever is fine, baby._

Levi stares after him, feeling slightly rejected. He looks down at the table top and takes a deep breath. He should go get ready for work.

But he stops when he glances at the sink.

Erwin had taken the fucking cupcake.

"Fucks sake, _Erwin_!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
On the weekend, Erwin sits on the toilet with his iPad, playing scrabble, when Levi slams the door open. The blond is not _actually_ going to the toilet, and he jumps, attempting to hide the iPad. There's nowhere really to put it though, so he just holds it awkwardly away from him.

"What are you doing," Levi asks casually.

"...Going to the bathroom."

Levi purses his lips. "You've been gone for a really long time."

"I'm almost done, I'll be out in a second."

"It's the fourth time you've gone for a shit today."

Erwin huffs. "Give me a break, Levi."

"Why is your instinct to escape from me?"

"It's not my instinct to escape from you," Erwin tells him. "It _is_ my instinct to come to the bathroom when I need to go to the bathroom."

The smaller man glances around at the walls. "You want me to hook up cable in here or something?"

"Hilarious, Levi."

Levi glares at him. "How come I don't smell anything."

"What."

"...Let me see."

"What?"

"Let me see! "

Erwin stares at him incredulously. "I'm not going to let you see!"

"You're not going to let me see because you're not taking a fucking poop!"

"I've been..." Erwin thinks for a moment, "flushing as I go!"

"You're flushing as you go. Who takes a half-hour to take a shit?!"

"Mike. Mike totally does."

A silence.

Levi snatches the iPad from Erwin's hands and marches away.

"Wait!" Erwin yells. "Don't press enter, I'm not sure I want to make that move!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After dinner, Levi stands in front of the mirror, taking deep breaths in preparation. He musses his hair into an attractive mess and stares at his reflection.

It is a Saturday, so they are having sex tonight. It's unromantic and kinda pathetic that they schedule sex. But they need to once a week, otherwise they never get around to it.

Tonight he decides to surprise the blond with something a little different.

He is wearing one of Erwin's shirts, unbuttoned so his black, lacy underwear can be seen. The dark lace is tiny and see-through, his pink cock visible and practically spilling out.

He takes another deep breath, turning towards the bedroom.

Erwin is lying on the bed, on his back with his iPad in front of him, when Levi approaches him hesitantly. Erwin doesn't look up, so he asks casually, "What are you doing?"

The blond doesn't take his eyes off his screen. "Just returning some emails."

Levi swallows, still waiting for his husband to notice his outfit. "...Are you really busy?"

"No, just... frustrated with the work of some colleagues," Erwin says bitterly, still not looking up.

Levi fidgets. Did he forget that they're having sex tonight? He tries to sound seductive. "Do you want to just forget about work tonight?"

Erwin snorts, "That would be my ideal," glancing briefly up at his husband then back down to his screen.

Levi swallows thickly.

The blond glances up again, confused as to why his husband is just standing there. He doesn't even seem to notice Levi's lingerie. Is he that unsexy?

Levi stares. "...Do you even see me fucking standing here right in front of you? _Practically hanging out?_ "

Erwin looks up at him, blinking in recognition and shifting as he puts his iPad down. He looks his husband up and down, at the way his cock is spilling out, and clears his throat. "...Yes."

"...And does that make you feel anything, or..." Levi's confidence from before is completely gone.

Erwin frowns a bit, breathing out in exasperation. "Levi, are you trying to start a fight."

Levi's eyes widen, annoyance in his tone. "No, I'm not trying to start a fucking _fight_ with you. I'm trying to _fuck_ you!"

The blond groans, rubbing his temples. "You really just need to cut me a break, alright."

Levi closes his shirt roughly to cover himself. "...Fine," he spits, and stomps back over to the bathroom.

Erwin stares up at the ceiling. "Ah, shit," he mutters, then calls over to the bathroom, "I didn't realize you were hanging out intentionally! I didn't say anything, because I didn't want you to be embarrassed!" A pause. "I thought I was being kinda _gallant_." He waits, but Levi doesn't answer. So he sighs and just picks up his iPad again, muttering, "Alright, fine. I'm an asshole."

Levi takes off the lingerie, throwing it into the laundry roughly and changing into his boxers. He feels like such an idiot. An unsexy idiot.

He stomps back into the bedroom and gets into bed, adjusting the blanket on top of him angrily.

Erwin sighs. "Levi, I'm _sorry_. I forgot today is Saturday." He leans over to kiss him. "Go put it back on."

Levi pouts, sulking into his pillow. "I'm not gonna put it back on."

He feels unsexy and old, but Erwin just ignores him, pressing kisses to his neck. He reaches around and fondles Levi through his boxers; _don't be like that, honey._

Levi still feels humiliated, but he's kind of horny, and the rare affection is nice. So he turns his head, a hand through his husband's hair, and presses their lips together.

They get naked, and Levi wraps his legs around the blond's hips as they stroke each other into hardness. Erwin gets the lube from the drawer and presses his cock inside.

The sex is nothing special. Missionary, like always.

The rhythmic press on Levi's prostate feels nice, relaxing him as his eyes lull closed.

It takes a while at their age, but they get each other off, moaning softly. They pant into each other's hair, then kiss each other chastely good night, settling into their pillows.

They don't cuddle afterwards like they used to. The sex they have is out of routine, in the same positions. It does feel good, but it is more like the way a massage feels good; a stress reliever. Not like when they were young, when they would make each other climax so hard that they would pass out for a while.

These days, they don't even have sex most of the time because they are too tired, or just don't feel like. It is scheduled sex, after all. Nothing screams _old married couple with no passion_ more than scheduled sex.

Levi settles into his pillow, feeling relaxed and sated after his orgasm.

But he still wishes there were something more.

"Wait, you got that lingerie because we were having sex tonight?" He hears Erwin whisper. "How cute."

Levi feels his cheeks go hot and grabs his pillow, covering Erwin's face with it. The blond just splutters muffledly from underneath.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
"Do you think you can change a marriage?" Levi asks Eren, his personal trainer, the next day.

The young man holds Levi's ankles as he does sit-ups, patting Levi's stomach; _this we need to work on_. He looks at Levi properly. "What do you mean? Like, you mostly eat in on Fridays and then suddenly you eat out? Or, you want to kill each other and then suddenly you're the gay version of Cinderella and Prince Charming?"

Levi breathes hard, hands behind his head. "The second one."

"I don't know. Maybe. Aren't people who they are, though? How would that change?"

"If you wanted it to."

"No idea, Levi. Why is Erwin taking Viagra, anyway?" Eren holds his palm above Levi's chest for the older man to reach with his sit-ups. "What's going on."

"I don't know," Levi breathes. "I think he's just not attracted to me anymore, or something."

"What? That's not true, you're smoking hot. If I were your boyfriend, I would not need a Viagra. I would need an _anti_ -Viagra," Eren tells him very seriously. "To... try _not_ to get a boner."

Levi wrinkles his nose. "But everyone gives you a boner."

"Hey, don't sell yourself short like that. _You_ give me a boner." Eren lowers his voice a bit. "Jean doesn't give me a boner."

"What the fuck, Eren. Jean gives you the biggest boner of them all."

"Oh, true." Eren frowns. "He totally does."

"Maybe things are just getting stale. Maybe if I work out really hard Erwin'll be able to get a proper boner again. We're at that stage where everything is routine and we just piss each other off all the time." Levi pants hard as he continues doing sit-ups. "By the way, I can't stand the sexual tension between you and horse-face, it's disgusting. Just ask him out officially. Instead of just fucking every now and then."

Jean is another personal trainer who works at the same gym with Eren. He and Eren are fuckbuddies as far as Levi is aware.

"Nah, I don't know if Jean is even interested in a proper relationship..." Eren tells him a bit sadly. "Maybe I should just Clooney it. Like, the gay version, though."

"Clooney it?" Levi looks at him incredulously. "George Clooney doesn't seem happy."

"He totally is."

"I bet he's lonely. He has these sad fucking eyes."

"Levi, no. He's _doing_ the sad lonely eyes to get the next lady."

"I bet George Clooney is fucking lonely."

Eren grins, eyebrow raised. "You'd fuck him."

Levi thinks about it for a moment. "...Yeah, I would."

"You'd deep-throat that Ocean's Thirteen Inches."

"Shut up," Levi snorts, flopping onto the grass. "I'm happily fucking married!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Erwin turns to Mike's desk nearby. They sip at their coffees, trying to avoid the work they are supposed to be doing for as long as they can.

"That was idiotic," Mike tells him. "The one thing you _don't_ do is tell them that you used Viagra. It's probably on the warning label, even."

"I think Levi and I are in one of those phases where everything the other person says just annoys the shit out of each other." Erwin states thoughtfully. "All the time."

"Don't worry about it." Mike sips at his coffee. "You just gotta ride that out."

Erwin thinks for a second. "This sounds terrible, but do you ever wonder what it would be like if, say, you were separated by something bigger." Mike listens as he continues hesitantly, "You know, like... death? Like _their_ death?"

Mike nods very seriously. "I have given it a fair amount of thought."

"Not in a painful way," Erwin assures, "just quietly... slid... into death. Like a gas leak."

"Absolutely. Gotta be peaceful."

"Yeah, of course. Just drift into a coma. From which he never awakens."

Mike stares into the distance wistfully. "And then you move on."

A long pause.

"Oh, now I feel bad." Erwin looks down at his coffee sadly. "I love him."

Mike chuckles. He ushers the blond over to his computer, and they watch a cat video together, giggling manly giggles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Erwin and Levi have Mike and Nanaba over for dinner one night.

"What did you guys get each other for your anniversary?" Mike asks.

Levi's face drops a bit.

"Oh yeah, it's a big one!" Nanaba adds. "Almost twenty years, right?"

Levi swallows, shaking his head. "Oh uh... nothing special. Just an off-year." He glances over at Erwin, who is serving food for himself. He tries to think for a moment, then perks up. "Oh, we got each other the new... cable subscription." A pause. "There's a _lot_ of channels."

Their guests smile good-naturedly, and they all clink their glasses together in cheers.

Levi looks down at his food, feeling a bit sad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Levi gets paid to clean, and when he finishes work the next day, he visits a bookstore. He checks to see if anyone is looking, then slides discreetly over to the self-help section.

He scans the aisles full of books, passing one that reads  _Great Marriage_ on the spine. He pulls it out, studying the cover. 

_Great Marriage is an Open Marriage. Save your sex life by having sex with other people!_

Levi makes a disgusted face as he shoves it back quickly. He continues down the aisle and pulls out another book.

 

_You Can Have the Marriage You Want_

 

He flips through it curiously. He ends up buying it, sitting in his car and reading it closely.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That night, Levi sits down next to his husband on the bed.

Erwin has his laptop on his lap, staring at the screen from behind his reading glasses, and doesn't even look up.

Levi waits for a moment, annoyed, before thrusting the book out towards him.

The blond finally looks over to him, taking a breath as he takes the book from him, scanning the cover and back.

"I want to do it," Levi states, watching his husband read the back.

" _'Self-help couples therapy'_." Erwin looks at him over his reading glasses. "You want to do self-help couples therapy?"

"We can do it right here in bed. Just every now and then. We just have to read from the book."

"We don't need couples therapy, Levi."

Levi takes a deep breath. "Have I ever asked for anything?"

The blond blinks at him incredulously. "...Didn't we just get a new refrigerator because you wanted mor-"

"That's not what I fucking mean," Levi mutters. "We _schedule sex_ , for fucks sake. And it's the same every time. We don't spend time with each other anymore. I want a real marriage again."

"What, is this not real anymore after almost twenty years?"

"When was the last time you fucking _kissed_ me, or-"

"I kiss you every day! When I go to work!"

"Yeah, to distract me so you can stuff a fucking cupcake in your suitcase!"

Erwin narrows his eyes. He doesn't deny it, the fuck. "We're not 22 anymore, Levi. Doing couples therapy isn't going to change that. You can do it on your own if you think our marriage is so bad." He sees Levi look down at his hands in his lap. "All that romantic stuff isn't us anymore."

Levi snatches the book out of his husband's hands, throwing it very lightly at his head. "Maybe I _will_ do it on my own." He ignores Erwin's _oww_ and mutters under his breath, "Fucking dickface." He stands up, stripping off his clothes as he goes over to the bathroom for his shower.

Erwin stares after him, unimpressed as he rubs his head, because he doesn't really enjoy being called a dickface. Was it really that important to him?

Levi calls over from the bathroom, "I'll break your fucking legs if you don't do it with me. How's that for romantic."

The blond sighs loudly. Then reaches over to the book, picking it up and flicking through.

Why does he always give in when Levi uses that threat? Maybe it _is_ kind of romantic.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
The book inspires Levi greatly.

_Tip 1: Make a list of things you want to improve._

He spends the next day writing a list in-between work.

_I can have the fucking marriage I want._

That night after dinner, Erwin is sitting on their bed, his legs stretched out in front of him as he watches TV.

Levi comes into the bedroom wearing just one of Erwin's shirts and a pair of boxers, and sits on his husband's legs to face him.

Erwin blinks at him.

"The happiest period in people's lives is aged 40-60," Levi tells him. "This is it. We're in it right now."

Erwin is not really sure what is happening, so he just frowns. "I don't know if... that's correct."

Levi just continues, straddling the blond's legs. "We have everything we need right now to be completely happy. We're gonna blink and suddenly be ninety."

_"What."_

"So, we should just choose to be happy." Levi stares at his husband's face for a moment. "Your eyes are kind of glazing over."

"...No, I'm just processing it all." Erwin blinks rapidly.

Levi has his post-it note in his hand, reading off it. "Some of these I wrote for you. We need to exercise every day. Spend more time together. No stressing over tiny things."

"Yeah, that's good," Erwin nods. "You should do that."

"And we need to work on our anger." Levi looks back up at him.

"Yeah." The blond nods. "I think it would be good if you could take care of your anger."

Levi stares at him. "No, I said both of us."

Erwin pauses. "...That's what I said. _Our_ anger."

The smaller man looks down at his note again. "And no more holding onto resentments. We need to just let that go."

"So you're saying if we're arguing and I apologize, you'll just let it go? And not throw it back in my face later?"

Levi glares at him for a long moment. "...I don't do that. But I will _continue_ not to do that."

The blond just nods agreeably, putting a square of chocolate in his mouth.

Levi watches the movement darkly as he monotones, "...Do you want to add anything."

"That's plenty already. That's a lot."

Levi watches him chew. "...I'm gonna stop smoking. And you're gonna eat better, right."

Erwin shrugs, munching. "Sure. But I don't think there's anything wrong with having some fries every now and then."

Levi raises an eyebrow. "And then I'll smoke that day."

The blond frowns. "That's not the same thing."

"It _is_ the same thing."

Erwin furrows his brows, whispering, "I like fries," as he brings another piece of chocolate up to his mouth.

Levi slaps it out of his hand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Later on, they sit in bed as Levi watches his laptop screen.

One of the places Levi gets paid to clean is the gym where Eren and Jean work. The owner not only pays Levi to spray and wipe, but also to watch recorded security camera footage. It is an easy job, and it can be fun to watch strangers doing weird things when they think there aren't any cameras.

Erwin jumps when Levi suddenly grabs him by the arm with an, "Oh shit. Look at this, they're making out."

Erwin looks at his husband's screen, at the security footage of the gym during the day, empty except for Eren and Jean making out roughly against the equipment.

Levi leans forward, mouth open. "Wait, are they screwing!?"

The footage shows Jean pushing Eren up onto the equipment, Eren's legs around his waist as they bounce roughly.

"That might be a dry hump," Erwin says.

"No, look at their position though." Levi points at their blurry figures on the screen. "I think it's _in_."

Erwin peers at it, furrowing his eyebrows. "It's too grainy to know for sure."

Levi fast-forwards, gasping. Jean is clearly fucking Eren from behind this time, and they are taking a selfie as they do it like the dumbshits they are.

" _What_. It's the middle of the day, there could be people there!"

"At least they're getting some," Levi mutters.

"What did you say?" Erwin turns to his husband. "At least they're getting some?"

Levi laughs uncontrollably. "Yes!"

"What are you talking about?" Erwin asks. "We had sex the other night. You gotta give me a little credit for that."

"It's not about credit. We just... need more passion. Like _this_." Levi points at the screen. "Fuck."

Jean and Eren are on the benches now, thrusting wildly against each other as they shove the items on the bench to the floor roughly.

"That's not passionate," Erwin monotones.

"It looks pretty fucking passionate to me."

Erwin stares at the screen for a moment.

Then he farts loudly, ignoring it as he points at the screen. "What is he doing?"

Levi's mouth goes wide, covering his nose. "Ohh _Erwin_! You _fuck_!" He whacks his husband with a pillow roughly. "Don't _do_ that!"

The blond fights a smile. "What am I doing?"

_"Don't fart in the fucking bed!"_

"I'm not." Erwin bounces a bit. "It's the springs."

" _This_ is why we never have sex! You _fuck_."

"I don't know what you're talking about." Erwin shrugs, and farts again. "You fart in your sleep all the time."

"I do not fucking fart in my sleep!" Levi is trying not to laugh as he whacks Erwin with his pillow over and over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Levi reads out from the book in his hands as they sit side-by-side in bed. " _Tip 6: Tell each other something about your marriage that bothers you, and discuss it_." He turns to his husband. "You go first."

"Okay." Erwin clears his throat, thinking. "You have a way-..."

"It says you have to say it to me," Levi interrupts.

Erwin takes a deep breath, turning to his small husband beside him. "You have a way of always saying that something's up to _me_ , but then when I make a decision and it's something you don't like, you get mad."

"Well, I don't like the way-... wait, is it my turn...?" Levi's eyebrows furrow as he scans the page briefly. He looks back up at his husband. "I don't like the way we always do something for our anniversary that's a joint gift for the house. Like a fucking _water heater_."

Erwin blinks. "You needed that water heater."

"You did, too! You shower! How is that a special gift?" He pulls a pillow onto his lap, hugging it. "And I hate watching fucking golf. I really do. I think it's boring." He eyes his husband sulkily. "And when you eat junk food, your farts stink up the whole fucking bed."

Erwin narrows his eyes. "I like junk food."

Levi rolls his eyes, pulling the book onto his lap and flicking to the next page.

The blond continues. "Well, I hate it when you rub up against me, like, _come on, time for sex_." He clicks his fingers impatiently. "You don't want _me_ , you just want _it_. You don't want to look at my face, or kiss while we do it."

"Oh, screw me for getting horny and wanting to have sex with my own husband."

"I want _you_ , Levi. _Love_. Not just sex."

"What about all the times I wanted you?" Levi looks up at him. "You're always too fucking busy to spare one look at me. For anything but a goodbye kiss. _You're_ the one that stopped. Not me."

"Yeah, okay, I stopped. I'm tired after work. We're not young anymore, I don't have energy for sex after a long day. I stopped. But you did, too."

They glare at each other for a long moment.

Erwin reaches over for the book, flicking through. " _Discuss these questions about your sex life_ ," he reads, brows furrowing. " _How often do you do it? Do you always use the same positions? Do you touch or cuddle afterwards?_ "

"We always do missionary," Levi blurts.

"Yeah..." Erwin's eyes follow the text on the page. "We used to do it in some weird positions..." He looks at his small husband. "We don't cuddle anymore afterwards, either."

"Because you always fart."

Erwin chuckles and Levi whacks him with his pillow.

The smaller man reaches over, taking the book. " _Try to spend some time just cuddling your partner with your arms around each other_."

He looks up at his husband, and they just stare at one another, blinking slowly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They shower and watch TV in bed for a few hours, before settling in for the night. They pull the covers up, lying on either side of their spacious bed, staring into the darkness of their room.

There is a long silence.

Finally, Erwin says softly, "Do you want to do that thing? It's okay if you don't."

Levi looks over to his husband quickly. "I want to do it."

They turn onto their sides to face each other, scooting closer.

Erwin reaches his arm out at the same time as Levi does, and they bump awkwardly, mumbling, _sorry_. Levi puts his arm across his husband's chest, and Erwin wraps his longer ones around him.

The blond tries to maneuver his legs, accidentally poking his small husband. _Ow, that's my dick_ , Levi whispers furiously, and they shuffle and curse at each other for a few long moments. Their bodies are stiff as they finally manage to wrap their arms around each other, settling into their pillow.

It feels foreign and strange; been so long since they last slept like this. But it is surprisingly nice - comforting and warm - and Levi presses his nose against his husband's collarbone as they breathe out against each other's skin.

Erwin farts loudly.

"You fuck!" Levi jolts away from him. "That's fucking disgusting!"

He whacks him with a pillow repeatedly as Erwin giggles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
They wake up slowly the next morning to the sound of birds chirping.

To both of their pleasant surprise, Erwin is spooning Levi from behind. It feels natural and comfortable. They both feel cozy and rested, and it wasn't forced at all.

Levi turns his head to look at his husband, bed-hair framing their faces.

They blink at each other, sharing a small smile.

Erwin leans in for a kiss.

But Levi presses a finger against his husband's lips, ruining the moment with a low, "Get your fucking morning breath away from me."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Tip 10: Take the initiative to improve some things on your list._

Levi takes his cigarette stash outside to the bin. He doesn't hesitate, just throws the cigarette cartons into the trash, heading back inside.

Erwin takes a plate of cupcakes out to the trash. He throws each cupcake one-by-one into the bin reluctantly. He gets to the last one, sighing as he stares at it longingly. He takes a large bite of it - it's his last, after all - ready to throw it into the bin.

He chews thoughtfully, pausing.

Then takes his _actual_ last bite of it.

He takes another, and another, stuffing it into his mouth, before finally throwing the tiny piece leftover into the trash, chewing very sadly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Levi has just finished his work-out with Eren in the park, and Jean has just finished teaching his public class as well.

Jean is shirtless and sweating as he comes over to his and Eren's belongings, taking a drink from a bottle.

Levi stares at him, blinking at the hard planes of his muscles. _Holy shit._ "You have an amazing body."

Jean looks down at himself. "Really?"

" _Yes_. Is that... all real?"

Jean smiles confusedly. "Yes?" Levi is just staring at his abs blatantly, so he figures he should be polite and ask, "Do you... want to touch?"

Levi finally looks back up at his face. "...Can I?"

"Go ahead." Jean shrugs, straightening.

Levi blinks, stepping towards him. "Okay." He touches Jean's abs. " _Wow_." He presses down on them. "Jesus." He gropes Jean's pectorals. "That's _firm_." He lowers his hands. "They're fucking amazing. Since I passed 30, it's like..." he gestures down at his own body, "everything just turned into fat."

"No, that's not true," Jean comforts him genuinely, looking at Levi's body. "You've still got some muscle in there."

"Nah, my muscles are all gone, they just left me after my twenties," Levi tells him. "They didn't even say goodbye, you know? They just fucking left."

"In a few years, this is all gonna be gone," Jean gestures at his abs. "It's not even worth the maintenance."

Levi stares down at Jean's tanned muscle in envy, scrunching up his face cutely. "I feel shit about myself right now."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Erwin and Levi sit down for lunch together on the weekend.

"We're trying to be healthier, so I started with making this meal."

Erwin nods, looking at the multiple dishes on their table, most of them of the green variety. "It looks great." He points to the only dish that isn't green. "What is that, grilled cheeses?"

"No, baked tofu."

Erwin's face drops. "Oh."

"It's actually really good, okay?" Levi huffs. "The lettuce is so fresh. I think we forget how good lettuce is on its own. Without... dressing."

"Right," Erwin monotones. "Dressing always gets in the way of the natural taste of the lettuce."

They munch on their greens as they watch TV, their faces scrunching up in slight disgust.

They chew in silence for a few long moments.

Erwin gulps loudly as he swallows with much difficulty.

He finally says, "...Do you want to make _actual_ grilled cheeses?"

Levi swallows his mouthful of lettuce with no dressing, grimacing. He turns his head to his husband. "...I guess we can start our diet tomorrow."

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
" _Tip 13: To improve your sex life, first try to remember really good sex you had. Discuss it_." Levi reads from their book.

Erwin has his chin in his hand, thinking. He perks up after a moment. "Oh, remember that one time? Maybe... ten years ago."

Levi looks over at him.

"In the kitchen," he smiles. "You were making soup and you kept telling me _I gotta stir the fucking soup_ ," Erwin chuckles. "You forgot about the soup eventually, though."

Levi blinks at him, eyes looking soft. "Yeah... we were on the floor..." His eyes brighten with mirth, lips quirking up. "You put those dishtowels behind my head so I wouldn't bump up against the bottom of the cabinet."

Erwin smiles. "And you were wearing my shirt. I remember, because you were just drowning in it. It was so charming."

Levi looks down at the book, not really reading it. "Ten years ago, huh. I was young." The blond chuckles, and Levi continues, "I don't look like that anymore, though." He thinks of the way Jean looks underneath his shirt. "It's so hard to keep the muscle tone at this age."

"Levi, are you trying to imply that I wouldn't be attracted to you anymore because you no longer look like that?"

"Well... I mean, look at this." Levi looks down at his own stomach, poking the squishy part. "We tried dieting, but we didn't even make it through the first day and ended up making _grilled cheeses_." He squeezes at his tummy fat. "I'm old and fucking _fat_."

"Darling, you're not _fat_. You're just soft and adorable," Erwin grins. He abruptly lifts up Levi's shirt and blows a raspberry onto his husband's soft tummy.

Levi shrieks in surprise, tipping over onto his back as Erwin just kisses his stomach, rubbing his nose in as he laughs.

Levi is ticklish, and he can't stop the laughter that bubbles up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Levi's 38th birthday arrives, technically Christmas too, and Erwin makes cupcakes for him and sings happy birthday very loudly, to Levi's chagrin.

"What would you like to do today?" Erwin asks, munching on one of the cupcakes. Levi decides to let him. Only today, since it's a special occasion.

"Just... hang out here," Levi replies.

"You don't want to go out and do something? Forty is big."

"I'm thirty-eight. Don't round up." Levi points at the large '38' candle that Erwin had put on his cupcake.

The blond chuckles. "Okay, thirty-eight. It's not that big a deal, you know."

"Easy for you to say, you've passed forty. You're a fucking old man. I'm not there yet. I'm _thirty-eight_."

"...You're going to become one of those ladies who lies about their age, but then they forget that they lied, and have to remember..."

"You don't get it," Levi tells him. "I don't want to shop at old man stores like you. I'm not ready yet. I need two more years."

Erwin laughs, leaning forward to press a brief kiss to his husband's cheek.

Levi pauses. "...What'd you get me?"

"What." Erwin frowns. "I thought you said we weren't going to do gifts this year."

"What? You're supposed to get me a surprise gift!" Levi exclaims with wide eyes. "It's a big birthday! I'm fucking _forty_!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
They sit on the couch together, catching up on their shows.

"Let's have sex," Levi suddenly says. "Right here. On the couch."

Erwin blinks at him. "...Alright." He smiles. "It _is_ your birthday."

They strip their clothes off each other, tangling tongues and rutting. Levi gets on all fours, wanting his husband to take him from behind today.

On the couch in the middle of the day _and_ doggy-style. It is the craziest they have been in years.

Levi braces himself on the edge of the couch as Erwin presses himself inside his warmth. He spreads his legs wider as the blond starts to thrust slowly, smoothing his hand up and down Levi's bare spine soothingly.

He pushes back in time with Erwin's thrusts, and their pace quickens as they begin to pant. Levi moans softly, clutching at the edge of the couch.

Erwin finds that place inside him, and Levi gasps, eyes going wide as he jerks. His body twists around, clutching at his husband's arm, and Erwin suddenly swears, " _Shit_."

His thrusting stops immediately, and Levi is dazed, wanting him to keep going. But Erwin is pulling out, clutching at his back in pain.

Levi frowns, turning around. "Babe, are you alright?"

Erwin just tells him very sadly, "...I think I kinked my back."

Levi huffs, facing his husband fully and sitting cross-legged. He is still hard between his legs, but a quick glance at Erwin tells him that the blond has gone soft from the pain in his back.

_Goddamn it._

Erwin seems to be thinking the same thing, his face in his hands.

"...Do you want me to give you a massage?" Levi asks.

The blond just nods. "Yes, please."

He lies on his stomach, and Levi sits on the blond's bare ass so he can rub at his back.

"I ruined your kinky birthday sex," Erwin says muffledly.

Levi laughs. "No, you didn't. We're just too old for kinky birthday sex."

"I'm sorry, honey."

"It's okay. This is kinda nice, too."

Erwin twists underneath him, so Levi gets off as the blond rolls over so he is lying on his back. His eyes are fond as he gestures for Levi to come closer. "You're so sweet," he murmurs, leaning in for a kiss.

Erwin's eyes drop to Levi's cock between his legs. They are both still naked, and he reaches over to stroke him lightly, using his other hand to stroke at his own larger one.

He pulls Levi closer, the smaller man's hips thrusting forward a bit as he moans. He rubs their cocks together, slippery with their pre-come.

Levi lowers himself onto his husband's cock, and starts moving his hips up and down, gasping. Erwin moves their hips in tandem, fisting at Levi's pink cock bobbing between his legs, leaving a wet puddle on Erwin's stomach with each downward thrust.

They are too old for kinky doggy-style on the couch. But cowgirl position on the couch - so Erwin won't hurt his back again - is pretty nice, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At Erwin and Levi's age, visits to the doctor for check-ups are regular things.

"Did I tell you that my son got into university?" the doctor makes conversation with Levi.

"That's great," he monotones.

"Yeah, we're so proud. Cough again."

Levi coughs, as the doctor checks his testicles with gloved hands.

"Everything looks good."

Levi just tells him, "Your face is very close to my face."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Erwin gets a colon screening, the doctor stating, "Descending colon," as they watch on the screen. "I'm about four feet in right now."

"That's what he said," Erwin snorts, then laughs loudly at his own joke.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
" _Tip 18: Discuss intercourse honestly with each other. Is it pleasurable? Do you climax? Is it easy to?_ " Erwin reads.

Levi nods truthfully. "Yeah. It's not as easy as it used to be, though. I mean, you _did_ use a fucking _Viagra_."

"That was _one time_. And you know I didn't use it because I couldn't get it up for you. I used it because I wanted to do something special."

Levi huffs. "Yeah, I know."

" _Do you still masturbate?_ " Erwin reads.

"No... not anymore..." Levi shakes his head.

Erwin blinks at him in surprise. "You don't?"

The smaller man sits up. "What, is that weird?"

The blond just asks. "...Why don't you?"

"I... dunno? I just don't really like to think about that stuff. I mean, we have sex once a week, so..."

Erwin just blinks a bit, turning back to the book in his hands. "... _Discuss your sexual fantasies with each other_."

"Um... " Levi looks up at the ceiling, playing with his fingers. "Maybe... cock rings, or something. Or being thrown around."

Erwin tries not to think too much about that inviting thought. He just reads the next sentence, " _...Oral sex is a fun way to get the passion back in a relationship_."

The both of them are silent as they take that in. They haven't done anything like that in a long time.

"...Come to think of it," Erwin says, "I used to think about you giving me a... you know... at work. Under the desk."

"Well," Levi blinks embarassedly, "I'd fucking love to suck your cock, I just can't fit it all in, remember?" He didn't know his husband had that fantasy.

"Levi," Erwin warns. He continues reading from their book, " _Oral sex should be considered both ways_."

"...What."

"You receiving, instead," the blond clarifies. He thinks for a moment, looking over at his small husband. "I actually do wish you would let me do it to you more, as well."

Levi looks a bit ruffled at that, going slightly pink.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Much later that night - very late, when both of them are usually asleep - Erwin hears Levi whimper.

Levi must think the blond is sleeping, because he is gasping softly as he pleasures himself. Erwin hears him moan quietly, hears the slick sound of his hand on his cock as he bites down on the pillow.

They had been having regular, scheduled sex every week for at least a year now. Does this mean Levi hasn't touched himself for that long? Did their conversation about fantasies and oral sex make Levi aroused?

Erwin is kind of turned-on by the thought.

He stares into the darkness, listening with bated breath to the sound of Levi come with a muffled whimper into his pillow.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
When Levi goes grocery shopping, he goes past the meat section.

He stops in the middle of the aisle, noticing some packaged sausages on the shelf. The weird therapy conversation he had with his husband a few days ago had done some weird things to his head, because not only had it made him so horny that he had masturbated for the first time in a long time, it had made him start thinking about oral sex again.

He eyes the packaged sausages.

_That's probably the same girth as Erwin's..._

He looks around discreetly, checking that the coast is clear, before taking one of the packaged sausages from the shelf. It is thick in girth, heavy in his hand. He shoots another look around, before wrapping his hand around it, squeezing experimentally.

He squints in deep thought, trying to measure with his hands whether his mouth would even be able to-

A man walks past, giving him a strange look, and Levi jumps and throws it back on the shelf quickly.

When he takes his basket to the cashier, he eyes the bananas on display thoughtfully.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He ends up buying a bunch of fucking bananas. He sits on their bed while Erwin is at work, their book open in front of him.

The banana is nowhere near as big as Erwin's penis, but Levi really needs to re-learn how to control his gag reflex. He used to give Erwin blowjobs quite often when they were younger, but it has been so long.

He remembers struggling a lot with it. He could never fit him all the way in his mouth, but he would still do it. Then they got to a point where he just gave up. He stopped trying. They had been married for so long that they no longer cared about impressing one another.

And yet here he is, almost 20 years into their marriage, wanting to improve their sex life and practicing oral sex on a fucking banana.

He opens his mouth wide, pushing the banana inside, against the back of his throat. He squints, the feeling uncomfortable as he pushes it further, before gagging loudly on it and erupting into coughs.

He wipes his mouth with a grimace and tries again.

He chokes, coughing uncontrollably.

He gags repeatedly as he tries again and again, running to the kitchen for a glass of water.

But he is managing more each time, his gag reflex becoming less sensitive.

He finally manages to deep-throat on his sixth banana, blinking in surprise as he slides it up and down his throat. It is not as uncomfortable as it was before, and he is able to control his gag reflex as he swallows around it.

_Well, shit._

He throws the banana he just deep-throated into the trash. He peels another one, taking a bite out of it and chewing thoughtfully as he reads from their book.

The banana is nowhere near as big as his husband, but he may have actually gotten somewhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Erwin is sitting on their couch on the weekend, putting on his shoes when Levi comes in.

"What are you doing?" Levi asks casually.

"Getting ready to go on my run."

Levi swallows, playing with his fingers. "...You want a blowjob?"

"Yes," Erwin says without thinking. He blinks at his husband for a moment. "Wait, really? I thought you said you can't-..."

"I practiced." Levi is already on his knees in between Erwin's legs, unbuckling his belt.

"You _practiced_?"

Levi pulls his husband's pants down roughly. "On..." he lowers his voice embarrassedly, "bananas."

Erwin lifts up his hips for Levi to slide his pants down. "Oh, honey... You practiced on bananas? For me?" He looks so genuinely touched, even as Levi strokes him into hardness.

Levi just mumbles, "Mm-hmm," his mouth closing around him.

He lowers his head immediately, bobbing up and down, and Erwin's eyelashes flutter closed as he groans loudly, leaning his head back with a soft _thud_.

As always, Levi can't fit him all in his mouth. But he bobs his head as best he can, forcing down his gag reflex as he uses his tongue to trace the vein on his underside.

Erwin groans deeply at the feeling, stroking Levi's hair as he looks down at him through lidded eyes. "Oh, darling... you're so good..."

Levi looks up at him through his eyelashes, smiling around his husband's dick as he hums. The vibration sends a full-body shudder though Erwin, his hips twitching unintentionally and making Levi squint and almost choke.

The sight of his husband choking on his cock is arousing to say the least, but Erwin tries to apologize anyway. But it doesn't make it out of his lips, as Levi pushes through the discomfort, scraping his teeth just right and making Erwin tug at his scalp roughly, his breath intaking sharply.

"Oh, sweet Jesus..." Erwin moans, and Levi can't stop his satisfied smirk as he deep-throats him. He swallows around him, again and again, feeling tears spring up in his eyes at the feeling as the blond curses.

Erwin's hips twitch again, grasping at Levi's hair desperately. Levi flicks his tongue and sucks deeply, and Erwin's hips buck up into Levi's mouth, and comes hotly down his throat, moaning out a breathy, _'Levi'_.

Levi whimpers, eyes going wide. He tears his mouth away, spluttering and coughing wetly, come streaked over his mouth and chin.

He wipes at his mouth, squinting and coughing as Erwin pants and apologizes breathily. Levi's lips are swollen, his eyes looking pink, and the blond helps him wipe his mouth with some tissues, stroking his hair away from his face so Levi can cough into them.

Erwin is smiling at him so fondly when he is done, looking up into the blue of his eyes from between his legs.

"You practiced for me," Erwin repeats, such fondness in his voice.

Levi looks down at his hands. "Yeah, well... you like blowjobs. And I stopped giving them to you."

Erwin looks so sated, post-orgasm and face flushed. He leans down, a hand in Levi's messed hair, and even though Levi's mouth had just been on his dick, Erwin presses their lips together.

Levi leans into the kiss, their lips moving against each other sensually, and _fuck_ , this is the way they used to kiss when they were young. The kind of kiss that Levi has been longing for.

Looks like those bananas paid off after all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
"That dumbshit Eren forgot his phone at the gym," Levi says one evening, sitting down next to Erwin on the bed as they watch TV.

He had finished his work-out with Eren today and recognized the young man's smartphone forgotten on the bench.

"Oh, good thing you found it. You can give it to him tomorrow when you see him."

"Yeah," Levi fiddles with the smartphone, smiling deviously. "But not until I read all his messages."

"Levi..." Erwin scolds, but he is leaning over his husband's shoulder to peek at the screen anyway.

"Damn." Levi sticks out his chin in disappointment. "It's locked."

"Here. Give it to me." Erwin gestures for the phone, and his husband hands it to him curiously. The blond fiddles with it for a second, then smiles cheekily, turning the screen towards Levi. "I got in."

_"What."_

"The passcode is 1-2-3-4."

Levi massages his temples. "Why aren't I even fucking surprised."

Erwin chuckles, tapping Eren's messages.

"Who's he messaging?"

"Jean... His sister, a friend named Armin, his mother... mostly Jean, though."

"What do they talk about?" Levi is grinning slyly. "Are they sexting?"

Erwin blinks at the screen, his face twisting oddly.

Levi's eyes go wide. "Wait, seriously? They're fucking sexting?" He leans a hand on his husband's knee, trying to see the small screen. "Read it out!"

"Eren says, _Babe, I'm so fucking horny right now_ ," Erwin monotones. "And Jean says, _Mm, me too. Are you touching yourself?_ Eren says _yes_ so Jean says _show me_." His voice is completely flat, face scrunched up in utter discomfort as he reads.

Levi peers at the screen, at the very clear photo of Eren fisting his dick that he sent to Jean. "Oh, _gross_." Erwin swipes past it at record speed. "And then?"

Erwin looks slightly ill. "I don't really want to be reading this out."

"Just... skip then. Read out the important bits."

Erwin is not entirely sure what the difference is between important bits and unimportant ones. "...They talk about what they want to do to each other. And what they are... _currently_ doing. To themselves. As they think about one another."

"So sexting is seriously that?" Levi scrunches up his nose. "Sex? But in text form?"

"It would appear so. They... climaxed. Using much more colourful vocabulary."

_"Ew."_

"Then they talk about seeing each other the next day. For a date."

"Oh, so they're finally dating? Thank fuck, it's about time."

Erwin is frowning, tone very serious. "And then for some reason, there's an emoticon of a panda doing push-ups."

Levi looks confused. "I wonder what that means?"

"I don't think it means anything," Erwin shrugs, "I think it's just adorable."

The smaller man leans over his husband's lap to look at the screen. "Sexting, huh. That's passion. That's what we need."

"I don't think sexting is what we need."

"Okay, maybe not sexting," Levi huffs. "I can't imagine you being capable of sexting, anyway. You'd be the most unsexy sexter ever. All polite and shit." His voice lowers to imitate his husband, putting on a posh accent, " _May I see your cock, please? Oh, that is rather lovely, isn't it? Mm, oh yes, jolly good_."

"Me?" Erwin scoffs. " _You'd_ be the unsexy one. You'd probably threaten to break my legs, but mean it in a romantic way, or something."

"Shut the fuck up, that _is_ romantic!"

He is still leaning over the blond's lap, so Erwin just pulls him abruptly on top of him with a chuckle. Levi struggles, letting out a confused squawk, so Erwin silences him by pressing their lips together.

Levi stills in his arms, sitting in his husband's lap.

Eren's phone is forgotten beside them as they laugh muffledly between their lips.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_Tip 23: Spend some time touching each other sensually._

"Do you want me to go first?" Erwin asks one night, after they read from their book.

"If you want," Levi replies gruffly, moving to lie down on the bed on his back.

Erwin reaches out a hand, stroking his husband's arm gently.

"This is fucking weird," Levi says, but Erwin shushes him. He strokes across his chest softly, back and forth, and Levi twiches. "That tickles."

Erwin stops with a, "Sorry," and shifts away. He sits at Levi's legs, taking a deep breath and beginning to massage his husband's bare ankles.

The smaller man shifts a bit, but doesn't move. Erwin massages up his legs slowly, up to his knees. He kneads his skin, sliding up and up to his thighs, and Levi's breath hitches slightly.

Erwin slides his hands up, massaging up Levi's hips to his stomach. His hands are so warm, so large and rough, and when he slides his hands back down to Levi's crotch, Levi suddenly sits up.

He looks a bit flustered, eyes glassy. "I think we better stop."

"What?"

"I'm going to bed."

Levi immediately gets under the covers, covering his head and burrowing underneath the thick quilt.

A silence.

Erwin stares at the lump in front of him.

"Levi."

No answer.

"You're the one that threatened to break my legs if I didn't do couples therapy with you."

Another silence.

Levi finally lowers the covers slowly, peeking out at him.

Erwin sighs and pulls the blanket away, ignoring Levi's protests.

"Do you want to stop because you're getting hard?" Erwin asks, and Levi just goes a bit pink, not answering. "...Is it because of what I said before about wanting to give you oral?"

He slowly reaches out his hands again, massaging Levi's thighs gently. His husband doesn't stop him, just shifts against the sheets.

"You never really liked me to use my mouth on you," Erwin murmurs, kneading his hands up his husband's hips.

Levi flushes darkly, fingers twitching.

Erwin slides his hands down to Levi's crotch, feeling his hardening warmth. He leans his head down, looking up at his husband from beneath his blond eyelashes.

"I've always loved getting down on my knees for you," he whispers, then presses his hot mouth against Levi's covered cock.

The smaller man moans at the words, at the feeling, his hips shuddering upwards.

Erwin pulls away, grasping his husband's underwear and sliding it off, his cock springing free.

It is flushed pink, and Levi's cheeks go dark as Erwin dips his head down to take him into his mouth.

Levi's bare legs fall open as the blond sucks his small cock deep down his throat, and he gasps loudly, hips squirming. Erwin hollows his cheeks, bobbing his head up and down, and Levi's hand tugs at his husband's hair roughly, breathing out an _'Erwin'._

His feet rest over Erwin's shoulders as the blond sucks, tasting salt and pressing his nose into the patch of hair at Levi's base, swallowing him down.

Levi hiccups, pulling at his blond strands and arching his back, and Erwin forcefully holds his hips down to stop him from bucking. The blond swallows around him, again and again, and Levi's voice breaks.

Erwin pulls his mouth away, pumping his husband roughly. Levi cries out, eyes wide and spine going taut as he shudders violently and spurts into his husband's open mouth. His eyes glaze over, slumping back against the sheets as he pants.

Erwin swallows as much as he can, but it still smears on his lips and chin.

"Oh," Levi breathes, panting in delight, "I... wouldn't mind doing that more often."

Erwin just laughs, and licks his lips.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
_Tip 27: Try to have a break from your busy lifestyles to reconnect with each other away from home._

They go away for the weekend to stay overnight at a resort.

"We haven't been away in years."

"Fuck, I know."

They check into their hotel room. It is huge, and Levi spreads his arms out and flops onto the enormous bed.

Erwin opens the doors to the balcony, before bolting towards his husband. Levi shrieks in surprise as Erwin jumps on top of him, pressing their lips together.

They hold hands as they walk along the beach.

They go swimming in the ocean, and Erwin stands in the water, Levi in his arms as they kiss deeply.

They go back to their hotel room, light the candles and have sex so rough that they are sure the room below them can hear.

They lie naked in bed afterwards, snuggling up to each other and making out slowly, the sound breathy and wet.

Erwin finally pulls away, leaning his head in his hand as he stares at his small husband fondly.

Levi is gazing at him, a small smile on his lips and asks in utter confusion, "Why do we even fight?"

"I don't know, it makes no sense."

"No fucking sense at all."

"When we get in a fight, look in my eyes and let's remember this moment right now," Erwin tells him. "And know that we never have to fight."

Levi scrunches up his nose. "But you're such a dick sometimes."

"I know, I am a dick sometimes," Erwin nods, smiling. "People think I'm so polite, but I'm such a dick."

"I can't believe you just admitted that. Thank you." Levi's tone is so genuine.

"And you get so mad at me sometimes, I feel like you want to kill me," Erwin laughs.

"I know, I _do_ want to kill you."

"How would you do it?" Erwin grins.

"I don't know," Levi looks thoughtful. "I'd poison you. I'd poison your cupcakes that you pretend not to eat every day." Erwin makes a mock-surprised face as Levi mimics the actions of poisoning food. "And just put enough in to slowly weaken you."

"I love it," the blond smiles.

"I would enjoy our last few months together," Levi smiles. "Because you'd be so weak and sweet. And I could take care of you." He laughs, "But while killing you."

Erwin smiles widely, trying not to laugh. "You know what I love about us? You can still surprise me. I figured for sure you'd knock me out with one fell swoop of poison. But in reality, you would extend it over a series of months."

Levi is snorting, holding up the sheet to his mouth as he laughs. "Have you ever thought about killing me?"

"Oh, yeah. Sure."

"How would you do it?"

"Wood chipper."

"A wood chipper," Levi repeats, frowning. "Wow. That's a shit plan. The cupcakes is a way better plan."

"It is. You're right," Erwin sighs. "You know what? I won't murder you."

Levi looks genuinely touched. "Aw..." He whispers, "That's sweet. I love you."

"I love you, too," Erwin smiles, leaning over to kiss him. He perks up after a moment, stroking Levi's bare legs. "Oh, you know what I brought?"

"What?"

"A medical marijuana cookie," Erwin smiles. "Mike gave it to me."

"What?!" Levi lets out a shocked laugh.

"Yeah. I brought it."

"Should we do it?" Levi is sitting up excitedly.

"Let's eat the cookie, then order a bunch of cheeseburgers," Erwin says. "Let's order the entire room service menu."

"Fuck yes," Levi grins. "You deserve it. Just this once, though." He pushes at Erwin's bare chest. "Go get the cookie."

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
They are munching thoughtfully and Levi asks, "How much are we supposed to eat?"

"I don't know," Erwin says. "Six or seven cookies?"

Levi stuffs some more in his mouth. "Plus, it's old. It's probably lost some of it's..."

"Potency," Erwin nods, mumbling through his chewing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Levi stuffs cookie into his mouth, saying very seriously, "We should have sex more."

"I know, honey," Erwin scrunches up his nose. "Sometimes I wish I liked bottoming as much as you do. You've got it so easy. You just gotta show up with your cute little bum and you're ready to go. All the pressure is on me and my penis to work properly."

"It's true," Levi nods very seriously.

"And I look at... young couples like Jean and Eren. Those guys _fuck_ ," Erwin says, as if he is saying something deeply philosophical. "I know I don't fuck like them. Not anymore. I fuck like... like..." he thinks for a moment, " _Chris Evans_."

"I think Chris Evans would fuck great, baby. I'd totally fuck Chris Evans," Levi tells him genuinely. "Besides, I like your sometimes floppy penis. I think it's nice."

"That's so sweet, Levi."

They both erupt into uncontrollable giggles, swaying with laughter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
They bounce on their bed, and Levi jumps onto his husband, legs around his waist as Erwin catches him.

Erwin French-kisses him, laying him down on the bed they are standing on, and they have sex again, high as fuck.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They order room service, and the waiter wheels the cart in as they lie beneath the covers, peeking out.

Levi hands his husband a banana and two oranges.

Erwin holds them against his crotch. "Look," he says to the waiter. "It's my dick and balls."

Levi bursts into giggles as the waiter smiles politely.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
"Sir, I think this room has rodents," Erwin tells the waiter, munching on the banana that was just his dick a second ago.

Levi is on all fours, scurrying quickly across the room while giggling like a mad man, and Erwin points, "There, I just saw it!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Have you seen my starfish?" Levi asks the same waiter, standing with his hands on his hips. The starfish is tucked into his underwear, the legs sticking out on either side. "Where did I put my fucking starfish?"

Erwin has wrapped himself in the bed sheet as he sits on the bed - looking like a nun - and he snorts loudly, shoulders shaking.

The waiter is silent, politely leaving the room.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
They stuff their faces with the room service food.

"I'm gonna deep-throat this eclair," Levi tells his husband, then proceeds to do so.

Erwin's face is covered in whipped cream from the cakes he had been eating a moment ago. "I want to make out with you so bad," he tells him, then leans over and proceeds to do just that.

They have loud sex again, in weird positions, using some of their room service food.

When they wake up the next morning, Levi groans, because he literally has whipped cream on his dick. His eyes rove over his husband's form next to him, and he stares, unimpressed, when he sees that Erwin has the same whipped cream all over his face.

Erwin jolts awake when he nudges him.

They get in the shower together, and if there they have sex again, well, that's no one's business but their own.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Their weekend away is over the following day and they are back at their normal lives.

But Erwin buys tickets for them to go to the movie theatre, surprising Levi for no reason with something nice for them to do together.

They sit towards the back, in a space with no people. About an hour in, Erwin is munching on popcorn, and Levi takes a deep breath, checking if anyone is close by. He reaches over to his husband's belt, unbuckling it.

Erwin looks over at him in surprise, mouth full of popcorn, as Levi starts fondling him while undoing his own belt as well.

He takes condoms out of his pocket, sliding one onto his husband, and the other onto himself, then pulls his own pants down. He hooks his leg over Erwin's lap, stretching himself with a muffled groan and lowering himself onto his husband awkwardly.

He is lubed up and stretched already, and Erwin whispers through his groan, "You planned for this?"

Levi doesn't answer, just fucks himself on his husband's cock as quietly as he can. The sound of the movie drowns out their sounds as they rut against each other awkwardly.

The angle is strange, and it is hitting a place inside Levi that hasn't been touched in a long time. His eyes are wide, his toes curling as Erwin moves his hips underneath him.

Erwin reaches in between them, stroking at Levi's erection roughly and pushes him down onto his cock, pressing against that place inside.

Levi comes with a loud cry, drowned out by an explosion on-screen, and Erwin presses their lips together, rutting up into him and climaxing with a muffled groan.

They are panting with exertion, as Levi slides off Erwin's lap quickly, back into his seat.

They are both slightly dazed as they realize that the credits are rolling, and they adjust their clothes quickly as the other movie-goers get out of their seats and walk past. They take off the condoms and tie them off, hiding them with their other rubbish.

Their hair is a mess, cheeks flushed with pleasure as they stand up hastily, putting their rubbish in the bin on the way out.

They avoid everyone's eyes as they walk quickly through the theatre, lacing their fingers together. It feels like people are staring, like everyone knows what they were doing.

As soon as they step outside into the cool night air, they burst into breathless laughter.

"Holy shit, I can't believe we just did that!"

"We just broke the law, Levi. We just had sex in a public movie theatre."

Their laughter subsides into snickers.

They stare at each other for a long moment.

Then Erwin leans down as Levi wraps his arms around his husband's neck, and they crash their lips together roughly.

People really _are_ staring this time, but they don't really give a shit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
"I'll be back at 5:30," Erwin says, ready to go to work as he gives a kiss to Levi's cheek.

"Okay."

The blond walks towards the door with his suitcase, pausing in the hallway.

Then he swiftly turns back around, walking back towards his husband washing their dishes.

"What's the matter?" Levi raises an eyebrow at him. "What did you forget?"

Erwin ignores him, just cupping the smaller man's cheeks and pressing his lips roughly against Levi's.

Levi lets out a muffled squawk of surprise as Erwin pushes him, squeezing his hips and deepening the kiss. Levi breathes out a moan, wrapping an arm around Erwin's neck as the blond pushes him down onto the kitchen bench. Levi moans again as Erwin rubs their crotches together, pressing the smaller man down as Levi cries out in surprise, lips still locked.

Erwin finally pulls his lips away with a loud, wet smack, looking down at his husband flushed and spread out on the kitchen bench, eyes wide.

Levi climbs off the bench slowly as Erwin turns around, grabbing his suitcase and walking away.

"Have a nice day, darling," Erwin breathes heavily. "When I come back tonight, I hope you're wearing that lingerie. And nothing else." He walks out the door to his car.

Levi just blinks, panting as he pulls his shirt to cover himself hastily. His lips feel swollen, his hair a mess as he turns off the tap quickly.

A smile grows on his face as he watches his husband's back.

Well, shit.

That book really _did_ work.

**Author's Note:**

> Here's my [stupid tumblr](http://ningen-suki.tumblr.com/), where I sometimes post fics and rant about eruri.


End file.
